I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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