Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
