I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
