found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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