When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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