i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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