Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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