New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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