i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
worst night to have a conscience
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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