Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
