i think my tv is drunk
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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