My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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