it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She's the barista slut.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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