Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
