I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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