I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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