I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
