Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize