he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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