"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
