I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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