I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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