im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
