I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
