You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
