Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
