dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
