Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
