I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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