I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Randomize
