He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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