He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Randomize
