After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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