I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
