Just mADE A PArabola og urine
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
