It's Friday. Sex?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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