So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
