My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
