Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
