So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
