She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
