maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
