you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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