i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
