accomplished twins. life is a go
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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