Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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