I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
