Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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