I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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