Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
