I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
