You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
