why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
