Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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