Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
