Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
you had me at cake vodka
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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