I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
