she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
