So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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