there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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