Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
