I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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