Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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